I Feel God in this Chili's Tonight

the bloggess

2010-10-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Friday was the most bizarre day of my life.

If you check my blog frequently (which I'm pretty sure no one does anymore) you'll notice that my most recent post, titled "Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens" has been deleted. At the end of that post, I mentioned that I'd found a new blog that I thought was funny. And, in the process of commending that blog, I said some mean things about another, similar one - thebloggess.com.

I published that post on Thursday. Friday afternoon, while I was at the gym, I got a notification that Jenny The Bloggess had commented on my post.

I died.

Let me give you some perspective... Jenny has over 60,000 followers on Twitter and is pretty famous among humor bloggers. Everyone links to her. Look, even I'm going to link to her.

And she commented on my blog.

On a post where I called her "depressed," "passive-aggressive," and not at all funny.

Yes, I died. I couldn't even read what she said, I texted Scott and made him do it instead. But as it turns out, she wrote a comment which was actually nice! She said "Huh, I don't find my humor very pleasing either. We should be friends."

My mind was pretty blown and I finished my workout in a daze. As I walked home I mentally composed an apology email and tried desperately to get a grip. When I got home I checked her blog and her twitter to see what she was saying. She didn't blog about it, but she did tweet about me a little. I couldn't quite tell if she was angry or not but I could not calm down until I emailed her a lengthy, comprehensive, and self-deprecating email.

And then...

She wrote back! And she was SO nice. She said that she wasn't mad at all, she wasn't trying to mess with me and she finished by saying "we're cool." I died again, in a good way.

This is my summary of the situation:

1. The bloggess is the nicest person ever, in the whole world. I was mean to her, and she was NICE to me. I am her fan now. I'm also going to tell people we're friends even though that's a bit of a stretch.
2. Apparently the internet isn't the vast abyss I'd assumed. The things I say can find their way into the wrong place. I'm debating deleting my Felicity post, since I don't want Keri Russell getting upset that I said her head was small. (But her head IS small, there's no doubt about that.)
3. SOMEONE OUT THERE SENT A LINK TO THE BLOGGESS. And since my readership is my mom, sister, boyfriend, Cristy, approx 2 friends, and 2 of my mom's friends...WHO THE HELL WAS IT? Fess up. Please?

Live Blogging "The New Adventures of Old Christine" tonight at 9pm!

2010-09-19T17:54:00.001-07:00

Lots of bloggers, I've noticed, do this thing they call "live blogging" wherein the watch something on TV like the Oscars or Project Runway, and they blog their thoughts in real time. It's like hanging out with friends without having to put on a bra. Generally I hate live blogging and never follow it, which is why I'm doing it tonight and subjecting you to my boringness. The ooooone catch is that this is a DVRed episode of "Christine" so it's not actually live. At all.

Also I'll just take this opportunity to say, shut up if you're laughing at me for watching this show. I caught my first episode at the gym last week and found it predictable, stupid, and surprisingly hilarious. The plot is incomprehensible, the acting is really artificial, and the sets are cheap looking. But about twice an episode, one of the characters comes out with A REAL ZINGER that leaves me laughing to myself for hours. I spent most of Friday shouting to Scott, "Did you enjoy the singing, Mother Campbell?!" and then convulsing in hysterics while he looked at me with that wistful "Why am I dating this monkey?" look that I know so well.

Now, let's begin.

-- The episode is called "Snakes on a Date" and the summary says "Christine agrees to a date with a children's entertainer who specializes in reptile parties, hoping to help Ritchie get into the Reptile Club." Oh shenanigans, I await you!

-- Ok first commercial break. Time to type. I think I'm kind of missing out on the hilarity at hand because I'm concentrating too hard. "Christine" is best enjoyed by a half-distracted mind. Summary until now: Christine's BFF Wanda Sykes owns a gym, where Christine apparently works? Who knew. And Wanda is featured in a black women's magazine and suddenly a lot of black women join the gym. Christine pretends she doesn't know they're black. Why? Don't know. Also her Asian inspired t-shirt and necklace are muy heinous.

-- There is no time line in this show. Days have no boundaries. If you don't carefully watch Christine's outfits you will get really confused. But if you pay TOO much attention to outfits you'll also get confused, because sometimes they forget to change Richard and Matthew's shirts.

-- LOL. Christine tries to say "right back" to the new black members and she says "I'll be white black. Whiiiite. White black. Black. I'll be white black."

-- Ummm I'm beginning to suspect this is not the episode "Snakes on a Date." There has been no mention of reptiles yet and I have not glimpsed Ritchie.

-- God this was the worst episode ever.

winter is hard

2010-09-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

Winter is hard, because there's so much TV to watch. It really eats into the time I set aside for "responsible stuff" and makes me realize how bad I am at prioritizing when I have to choose between writing papers, going to the gym, and watching Modern Family. Thank god I don't work full time.

I made this flow chart to help with decision making:

i was doing so well for a while

2010-09-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

I posted so many blog entries in August...and then I kind of fell off the wagon. Literally, I fell asleep while Pa was driving, and now I'm all bruised up and dusty, and no one even noticed I was gone, so now I'm alone here on the Oregon Trail trying not to die of diarrhea. No I'm kidding, I fell of the wagon figuratively. I'm an alcoholic again, it prevents me from blogging. Actually there have been no wagons (covered, AA, or otherwise), I'm just lazy and boring.

Here's something I made for a class over the summer. It's just a bunch of pictures stolen from Flickr that I photoshopped together and Palette-Knife-Filtered, but I think it looks cool.

i copy awesome stuff and hang it in my house

2010-08-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

I saw this thing on the internet once...
[click here to see the thing]
...and I really liked it. But no way am I going to pay that price, right? I'd rather die. So I made my own for approx $40!

And don't anyone dare to correct my geography on this thing, I know it's kind of crap and I just have given up on caring.

Felicity Season Two: An Exercise in TRYING To Get Canceled: How Bored Can We Make Our Viewers Before They Stop Viewing?: David Sucks.

2010-08-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I am rewatching every episode of the 4 seasons of Felicity on DVD right now. The first season was SO good. I love that season. Felicity is so innocent, wearing those giant heinous sweaters and saying the most embarrassing things to Ben, and then secretly falling in love with Noel. Every episode is hilarious and precious and just so...felicitous.

Cut to the second season...aka, cut my head off. O.M.God. Every time I see Felicity (which is just about every single scene), I make like a Mexican Jumping Bean and lay on the bottom of my plastic cup playing dead while my owner rattles me around and whines, "MOOOOOOMMMM!" This haircut hurts my soul, and it has NOTHING to do with the pixie cut I sported to ring in the new millennium. Really, she just styles it SO badly. I love how the writers sneakily made every character mock her for the stupid thing in the first episode.

But more than that, Season 2 is shitty because it just IS. Hello Felicity - strip off those tight ribbed tank tops and paisley button-downs and replace them with some @%$&()$@##&^ SWEATERS! Break it off with Big-Head McLong-Face and get with Noel, like we all know you want to. Julie, drop the "I'm a hurt girlfriend" act, resume your BFFing with The Feliss, and hop on that Sean love-train. Elena and Meghan, keep being awesome. Noel, good work on YOUR haircut, you look great. Ben, hottie mc-amazing whaaaaaat, you just stand there silently in that leather jacket while I go get you a wheelbarrow for your Emmy's.

Also, Felicity's head is just SO small. How laughable is it when she's making out with Big-Head David? That's another reason she needs her hair back - to disguise the concord grape she's been using as a skull.

Lookin' Fresh

2010-08-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

Just in case you guys weren't sure whether or not I was awesome as a kid, here's proof that I WAS.

This is how you can tell:
1. Mullet
2. Pierced ears
3. Purple glasses
4. Teal mock turtleneck with chic black felt detailing - so fly

Thanks Cristy.

As promised...

2010-08-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'm an Internet Predator

2010-08-18T10:17:00.001-07:00

Leave me alone, Shaq. Not that kind. (Referencing this for those of you who don't spend your entire workday memorizing the internets like I do.)

Sometimes when I find a blog that I really like, I start stalking the writer. Hardcore for realsies. This week it's Kim Hutt from www.whatclaudiawore.com. I'm reading through the archives of her personal blog today. Why do I find this interesting, for serious? I don't know this person, yet I'm voluntarily reading her personal musings for HOURS on end. There is something wrong with me. Anyway, she wrote this about 5 months ago about her relationship with her boyfriend Brian. And I'll be damned if she and Brian are not soul sisters with me and Scott, because we actually USE the term "crazypants" on an hourly basis. I want to email her and see if she calls him "nutburger" too because that would be just TOO much. Read:

I just finished telling B. he could not buy a motorcycle because I do not want to have to explain to our hypothetical child that Daddy died because he wouldn’t listen to Mommy about how he didn’t need a fatboy. Now he’s singing the “no one cares, you really don’t care, I really want a motorcycle” song, which I highly suspect is NOT A REAL SONG.

I could write about the times that we stare into each other’s eyes and talk about how nauseatingly happy we are - cause they happen too, it’s not just him accusing me of being (and I quote) “crazypants” - but who wants to read about that? It’s way more fun to write about the times he accuses me of being the live embodiment of Liz Lemon and I shriek at him that it’s not my fault I like working on my night cheese.

Ken's Joys

2010-08-16T09:49:00.001-07:00

Somewhere in the never-ending grasslands of my childhood is a bookstore called "Ken's Joys." That name is just so typical for Lancaster County it makes my skin crawl. (And by that I mean that people from Lancaster County are very earnest and sincere; they completely lack awareness of snark, wit, and sarcasm; they are pleased by the simplest things of life and don't know enough to be embarrassed by that in this dark, cold world of ours.) Anyway, I met Ken once, he was either a deeply closeted homosexual or a bit slow. Since I don't think that the mentally slow are often given small business loans with which to open book stores, I'm going to go with homosexual. (Another parenthetical thought - I love the gays and do not equate homosexuality with a mental deficiency. It was just this one specific case where I felt like something was "off" with Ken and I wasn't sure if it was a hidden identity or if he got dropped on his head.)

Anyway, Ken's a weird cat but the name of his store has always stuck with me.

Here are a few of my joys:

1. www.whatclaudiawore.com is the best blog OF MY LIFE. OF MY LIFE! I was such a bookwormish kid, and I adored the Babysitter's Club with all my heart, and this blog is just everything I never knew I needed in my life.
2. I've been slowly rewatching Felicity on DVD and LOVING it. So many good quotes. A sampling for your pleasure: "We're not here to talk about your hair, Felicity." "Ok, well just give me back my Sarah MacLachlan CD and we'll be even."

I thought there would be more but I guess that's it. Hmm. Whatever, those joys are enough for today.

Oh also, inspired as I am by Ann M. Martin's catalog of genius, I'm thinking of writing my own young adult lit. Would that not be the most amazing thing ever? Send me your ideas.

Sam Jams

2010-08-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Today, being the homemaker Sally that I totally am (not), I jammed. Strawberry-Lime jammed, to be exact. You should taste my kitchen floor/counters/stovetop! Deeeeelish. And would you LOOK at how cute!

Recipe:

Wash and sterilize your jars/lids. Clean 4 containers of strawberries. Put them in a giant pot, mash them up, add 4 cups of sugar and a whole thing of lime juice (the kind in the little plastic container). If you don't love lime flavor like I do, add less. It does come out really limey. Mash everything together and bring to a boil. Add 1 tablespoon of butter. Continue boiling until it gets thick enough to be considered jam. Stir continuously to avoid burnage. When it's done cooking, spoon into jars and add lids. Voila! No canning required - there's so much sugar in these puppies that they're shelf-stable for 4 months on their own. The recipe filled 8 small canning jars.

Optional - add cute tags, hand out generously, and blush modestly when complimented. :)

Tuesdays are never good

2010-08-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays have always always always been my least favorite day of the week.

When Cassie and I were little, Mom used to work until 2:30 every day and then pick us up from school...except for TUESDAYS. On Tuesdays she worked until 5, and we had to go to Nana's or a babysitter's house after school. And we HATED it.

At summer camp, Tuesdays were the worst because it wasn't the first day anymore (Monday) and it wasn't the halfway mark yet (Wednesday). It was just a terrible beginning day. I hated camp, can you tell? But I kept going back anyway - the workings of my childhood mind baffle me.

In college, Tuesdays were bad because of our class schedule. M/W/F classes were 1 hour long, and T/TH classes were 1.5 hours long. Tres boring. But Tuesdays were worse than Thursdays because at least on Thursdays, it's like "Almost weekend! Yeah! Let's go to the bar tonight!" or, more accurately in my case, "Almost weekend! Yeah! Tonight I'm going to fall asleep at 8:30 watching a rerun of The Office but that's okay because I like it like that!"

Now Tuesdays are the worst because I have class from 4-9:15. Today what I really want to do is go home, drink some coffee, read my book for a really long time, then make a delicious and nutritious dinner, then play Mario Kart. Then go to bed early because I'm tired today. But what I'll do instead is leave work, go to the gym, go straight to class, sit there angry and frustrated as I struggle to work iMovie, then have a probably disgusting dinner because we only get a 20 minute break (Lesley's policy is to give 45 minutes...but the instructor just sucks) and the only place close enough to get there and back in 20 minutes is a falafel joint, and I am SO sick of falafel. Like, I'd rather starve. Then after class I'll go home, arrive around 9:45, shower and fall asleep immediately.

Tuesdays are never good to the ole Sam Beam.

The only thing good about Tuesdays is the song...GOOOOOOODBYE, RUBY TUESDAY! WHO COULD HANG A NAME ON YOU??????

If I can croon that all night maybe my spirits will not sink too low. Here are a selection of pictures that came up when I google image searched "Tuesday." They all prove that Tuesdays are the worst, in case you were wondering.

Shake it like a Polaroid picture

2010-08-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

For my new (almost over) class I am making a stop motion animation video. Familiar? No? I wasn't really either until last night. The videos are made by taking lots of still photos, and then playing them one after another really fast to give the illusion of motion. Here are some insaaaane examples:

Mine won't be like this - A) It only has to be 30 seconds long, B) No way can I do anything that involved. I'll post whatever it is when it's finished!

stuffs

2010-07-14T09:08:00.001-07:00

New knowledge:

1. I'm really good at embedding grooveshark into my blog.
2. I need a flickr account.
3. Chicken shawarma wraps from the falafel place by my school are kind of good and kind of weird.
4. If you go to qdoba.com and "build" a burrito to see the calorie information, you will discover that the tortilla is a MAJOR calorie hog and "naked" burritos are the better choice.
5. My bike's brakes don't work in the rain.

Now for some cute baby animals!

Thursday, July 8, The Year of Our Lord 2010

2010-07-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my day, starting with last week.

Last Friday I was at the gym, running on the treadmill. My knees hurt a little, but no more than usual; I've always had pain in my knees. So I'm running on the treadmill and all is well. I get off, and begin to walk to what I call the "birthing machine" more commonly known as the leg abductor or something, and I take about 3 steps and suddenly feel a stabbing pain in my right knee. I was literally gasping from the pain and almost fell over. After hopping to the wall on my other leg and trying a few uncomfortable stretches, I come to the conclusion that my knee is permanently busted and begin sending numerous texts that say things like "I need surgery" and "SOS!" No one came to S my S or my suffering body though, and after a while the stabbing pain became more like a cramping pain and I figured I could bike home, which I did. Yadda yadda yadda, I hobbled around for the rest of the day, then woke up Saturday with zero pain and a smile on my face.

The smile lasted for 3 days and 22 hours, approximately. Because Tuesday, I decided I was healed enough to try the gym again (I rested for the weekend even though I felt fine) but apparently I was wrong. My knee cramped up again and I was back to hobbling. (Cramped up doesn't seem like an accurate description...it feels more like there's something pinched behind my knee cap.)

So, this morning, I wake up and I'm still hobbling, and I decide to call in sick to work. Mostly I didn't think I was up to walking 10 minutes to the T on one leg, and Cathy just told me yesterday how good of a worker I am, so I figured it was fine, and it was. All day long (and I've been awake since my alarm went off at 7:45, I couldn't go back to sleep) I've been reading and watching The Real Housewives of NYC. And I've come to some conclusions.

1. You would think that spending the day literally planted in one spot on your sofa would be slow and boring, but it's quite the opposite. I can't understand where the day has gone, and how it is now 8:20pm.

2. The Real Housewives of NYC really ONLY got interesting in the 3rd season. Today I watched 1.5 episodes of season 1 and it was like watching paint dry. Or like watching dusty old broads drink cocktails and play tennis, which is what it really is.

3. Even when I have a legitimate excuse, I will always feel guilty for using a sick day. Some time in the future I can see myself laying in a hospital bed with an IV and a nasty appendectomy scar, and I'll be saying, "Oh God, do you think my boss is mad that I didn't come in today?"

Anyway, back to my reading. It's this by the way - and excellent if I do say so myself.

i feel gross

2010-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought that you might die from eating too much meat? I did, last night.

Ricardo wanted to go to a Brazilian BBQ place that he loves and Scott dragged me along. Despite such descriptions as "They keep bringing meat to the table" and "All you eat is a lot of kinds of meat" I held on to my hope that Brazilian BBQ was essentially a Benihana/hibachi place. It was not logical for me to think that - Benihana is Japanese, not Brazilian. But Ricardo is both so maybe that's where I got my wires crossed.

Anyway...what Brazilian BBQ reeeeally is, is a restaurant where they offer you a weird buffet of "salad" items and french fries, and then waiters start bringing around meat on sticks and you say "Yes I want that" or "No get that away from me now." I ate SO. MUCH. MEAT.

To name a few of the meats offered... Pork ribs. Beef ribs. Chicken wrapped in bacon. Kielbasa. Sausage. Chicken hearts. Weird roast beefy stuff.

The damage:

wanted: pool. also wanted: backyard to put it in.

2010-06-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Oh, the heat. Oh, the terrible, terrible heat.

Caution: Wild times ahead

2010-06-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night, Scott and I went to a raging James Taylor concert with this people:

We were by FAR the youngest people there and it was awesome. Some of the old farts were even smoking weed in the balcony. I can just imagine the scene a few days before the concert.

A portly husband (I'll call him Ted) comes home from work on a humid day, his forehead glistening with sweat and a nervous smile playing on his lips. His wife, Marny, is sitting at the kitchen table clipping coupons and looking through the Bed Bath and Beyond sale flyer for bargains on dorm essentials for their 18 year old, the last of their brood to head off to UNH in August. She doesn't look up as she greets Ted, but he hardly seems to notice, he's so jittery and excited about his news. "You're late," she says. "Yeah, I know," he spurts. "Marny, I got us somethin' for the big concert this weekend." "Huh?" she asks, barely listening. "Babe...look. I got the neighbor kid to sell me some reefer!" Marny lays down her coupons and gives Ted a penetrating look over her reading glasses, purchased on sale to perfectly match her favorite turquoise capri pants. "What are you talking about, Ted?" she says quietly. "Look!" he says again as he pulls the joint out of the pocket of his faded sport coat. "Look!" Marny feigns indifference, her face a mask of neutrality, but Ted knows she's excited to relive her youthful indiscretions one more time under the harsh lighting of the TD Banknorth Garden, with "You've Got a Friend" whisking them away to an easier time. Marny serves Ted an extra big helping of non-fat, sugar-free peach sherbet after dinner. It was going to be WILD.

Pardon the tangent...back to the concert:

Probs one of the best photos I've ever taken in my life.

James was so cute. I just love him so much. He played the concert wearing SLACKS...like a grandfather going to a special occasion. Carole King was also there (meh). I am not a big fan but she was kind of funny to watch. For a 68 year old she really gets down with the dance moves.

And on bass, James introduced a member of his original band... FATHER TIME.

That's all!

Shep has the farts today; I'm a stereotype.

2010-06-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/12/22/130-ray-ban-wayfarers/

Hey Intel - don't steal these masterful plans!

2010-06-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

I did one bad thing today (hit a biker with my car door) and one good thing today (helped Scott with his work!).

I'm like so good at computers and stuff and Scott was like totes magoats swamped, so he just asked me to step in and do a little computer designing for him. Here it is!

And he said that since I did such a fab tab job he would buy me this!!

No he didn't. I just want it really bad. Sad face.

slant face

2010-06-10T15:50:00.001-07:00

All week I've been WAITING for Thursday to get here. Begging time to move faster. Doing a dance to appease the gods of the workweek.

This is why:

Sunday we drove from PA to MA, 6.5 hours. Immediately upon arriving home, I have to start working on my photo homework for Monday. Then I unpack, then I go to bed.

Monday I worked from 9-2, then went to the gym, then came home for about 45 minutes, then left for class. Was in class 5:30-10, got home around 11, went immediately to bed.

Tuesday I worked from 9-2, then went to Scott's house for a while because he was working from home. Hang out there for a while, get home around dinner time, start trying to do my Photoshopping for Wednesday...BIG PROBLEMS. Extreme frustration ensues, including cursing, crying, freaking out. (I lost of the files I had saved the night before, about 3 hours worth of work, AND my work laptop wouldn't upload pictures from my camera.) Work non-stop, forget to eat dinner, go to bed around 11:30, finished but pissed.

Wednesday, work as usual, then gym, then to Scott's house to put his spare car keys in his mailbox because he locked his keys inside the car at work, then home for 15 minutes, then back to class until 9:30. Home at 10:15, promptly to bed.

But Thursday...oh Thursday. No class. No homework, because we don't meet again until 6/28. Nothing! I was so excited to come home, watch Glee from Tuesday, bake lime bars, and generally just vegetize myself. Which I have done, and am continuing to do, except for one thing...

I'm bored. So bored. It's 7pm and I have nothing to do. Life is so hard sometimes.

Humbo is the best nickname I've ever made up

2010-06-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

My art classes have historically been the best thing to ever happen to this blog. Remember this? Yep.

I'm taking another class now, on digital photo. I'm loving it and the people in it are significantly less weird than those in my metals class. But they're still kind of weird.

Anyway, we started last Wednesday with 6 students and 1 instructor. We met again Thursday with only 5 students and 1 instructor. We met last night (Monday - yeah, it meets 3 times a week, 5:30-10pm, it sucks) and there were only 3 students and 1 instructor. I'm getting nervous that soon we're going to be 1 student (me) and 0 instructors (because it probably isn't worth his time to teach so few students). I'll now describe everyone for you:

Ben - Instructor, appears to be an Asian blend, wears his hair in a frizzy pompadour style. Lisps. Frequently sneaks up behind me to offer help.

Blonde Girl - First one to drop the class. Had never used an SLR camera before and had clearly decided to quit about 10 minutes in, but had to suffer through the remaining 4 hours and 20 minutes before she could make her exit.

Humberto - Very talented, possibly gay, has a tattoo on his ankle of wavy lines. A little chubby. Took a photo for the first assignment of some weird kitchy bear on his desk at work, and told us it was given to him for doing "A really fantastic job under great stress."

Brunette Girl 1 - Has seemingly also dropped the class, but did a really good job on the first assignment. She looks like how I think I look until I actually look at myself. In my head I called her "Me 2.0" and don't know her real name.

Brunette Girl 2 - Not smart. Friendly, and has rounded out the trifecta of me and Humbo, but definitely not smart. Also has a tiny mouth.

Henry - I was glad when Henry didn't show up last night, though I feel guilty admitting it. He is the kind of person who has absolutely zero self-awareness. He talks non-stop about uninteresting things, tries to correct the instructor when he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about, pulls on the greasy hair of his beard when he's nervous (which seems to be always), and has scabby tattoos. I think he thought he'd be really good at photography because his dad is a professional photographer, but his first assignment proved him very wrong, and it was awkward for everyone.

Me - (I'll try to write this as an outside observer.) Shows up in gym clothes every day, and sometimes smells strongly of self-tanner. Keeps having problems with her lab computer and equipment. Answers questions a lot but is only right about half the time, probably only speaks up because she feels uncomfortable with silence in so small a group.

So, class is going pretty well and I'm really enjoying it. I'm finally learning to use Photoshop, thankfully, since I've been putting "Proficient at Adobe Suite" on my resume for a long time when really I'm only familiar with InDesign. I woke up last night to go to the bathroom and realized I had been DREAMING about editing photos, which is weird.

I'll keep updating as weirdness happens, which it probably will. (Humbo, the pressure's on you.)

Oh, and here's some of my work so far:

update

2010-06-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

So I just finished The Last Days of Dogtown and...OMGod. Just...so good. It was a great story the whole way through, but the last chapter or two were really the best. I literally had tears in my eyes as I was reading on the T (at 10pm, in a burrito-stained t-shirt, by myself, covered in sweat...so needless to say, not looking hot and the tears didn't help much).

Anyway, take my word for it, this is a must-read.

Book Worm

2010-06-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

I love books. Period. Here are some good really good ones:

All of David Sedaris' books are incredibly funny. I read this one immediately upon its release (about a year ago? 2 years?) and then reread it last month. I laughed just as much, if not more, the second time around. Here's a favorite quote: "And what about the butterfly, the colorful cousin of the moth? Are you afraid that he, too, will attack?"

Both Freakanomics and SuperFreakonomics were great reads and made me feel much smarter upon completion. And I'm already pretty self-satisfied when it comes to my intelligence, so now my head barely fits through doors.

Does anyone else remember that episode of The Office where Michael says that he's reading "the novelization of the movie Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire"? Because it exists and I read it. It's actually kind of hard to just find Push these days - it's repackaged as Precious but still the same story. It's a hard read (emotionally) but well worth it.

Awesome story of a woman who goes to prison for a year for a crime she committed 10 years prior. It's funny and touching and really really good.

Probably one of my favorite books ever. This is the first of a series of 3 books (the last will be released in August), and you'll find them in the Young Adult section. Don't be put off by that, it's still a great story and I promise you'll love it.

Reading this now, hopefully finishing it today. Anita Diamant is just a great story teller (The Red Tent is another favorite) and this one is set in Gloucester, my former town of residence.

GO READ SOMETHING!

Brain exercise is just as important as physical exercise, and I do both every day. Don't you want to be as awesome as me?

asian kids are the cutest

2010-05-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

I literally just searched YouTube for "cute kids dancing." Scott is watching hockey and I'm super bored, so don't you dare judge me.

Now WATCH!

("Go Jaden, tear it up girl!")

ok, NOW it's 100

2010-05-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

I won't ask for your re-celebration because you've already given me so much. I'm just going to quietly acknowledge my 100th post by myself and wish I hadn't made such a big deal out of 99, because now 100 feels like the birthday everyone forgot. My bad.

Anyway, I kind of look like a pirate today. Here, I'll show you:

(me)

(Captain Jack Sparrow)

Don't see it? Ok let me help you out.

Likes, Dislikes, Guilty Pleasures, and my 99TH BLOG POST!

2010-05-27T09:19:00.001-07:00

I got so excited when I opened up blogger today to start writing, because I thought that this was my 100th post. Unfortunately I realized that it is actually my 99th - I had one stubby draft that blogger was counting even though I never pressed "publish." But I'm already in the mood to celebrate, so let's all give a resounding "yay!" for me. 99 posts in a little over a year. Let's try to get me crowned queen of the internet, shall we?

Onto less important but potentially more interesting (to you) things... I've made some lists to share with the world. The first is products/habits/etc. that I advocate and want you to all try. The second is a similar list of things that I do NOT advocate and want you to specifically NOT try. The third, to end on a happy note, will be a list of guilty pleasures that you can try at your own risk.

Products/Habits/Things I Advocate:

1. Air conditioners turned on full blast, used in combination with a ceiling fan, in a closed room. Even in the bowels of the sweatiest summer, you can sleep blissfully snuggled in your bed covers. The best.

2. Also related to sleeping, but should be filed under the category "Prevention [comma] Acne" - sleeping with a new, clean hand towel on your pillow every night. It works AMAZINGLY well. As many of you know, I don't suffer from terrible acne, but have always been plagued with sporadic breakouts that seem to crop up at the worst possible times, and I've NEVER found a solution (over the counter or prescription) to get rid of them. Honestly, the towel thing works. Try it.

3. THIS COLOR and THIS COLOR.

4. Farmers markets.

5. Irises.

6. Basil.

7. Ruelala.com - last week alone, I bought a ski jacket (originally $300, I paid $99) and Scott bought a suit (originally $525, he paid $129).

Products/Habits/Things I DO NOT Advocate:

1. Harvard Pilgrim Student Health Insurance. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but essentially I lost years off of my life arguing with them on the phone this week. I had a routine procedure. They cover that procedure. They won't, however, pay my doctor for that procedure because they DON'T LIKE THE FORMATTING OF THE INVOICE. I'm not even kidding you. The formatting. So now I'm on the hook for $175?? Because of THE FORMATTING! So angry.

2. Proactiv. In my search for an acne remedy I succumbed to their sparkly Katy Perry commercials and ordered some. What I didn't realize was, they put all of their customers on an automatic refill plan, so the stuff just shows up on your doorstep whether you want it or not. I called to complain and they told me I could return it, but that I was responsible for the return shipping. I'm responsible to send back a product I didn't order? Give me a break. Proactiv is a scam.

3. Expired milk. Nuff said.

Guilty Pleasures:

1. Monster ballads.

2. The Hills.

3. Reading blogs of people I went to college with but were acquaintances at best, and now I know intimate details of their lives.

4. Using the paper cutter at work for personal things. OK whatever... I just love using paper cutters regardless.

5. Glee's cover of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" which I downloaded and listen to every day.

no words, only sobbing

2010-05-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

My tan is slowly fading back to snowy white...

My hair doesn't reek of chlorine...

Every time I peed today it was into a toilet and not the ocean...

I had to supply and pay for my own food...

No one is bringing me ice cream over to where I'm lounging on the balcony...

Vacation is over. A single glistening tear slides down my cheek and drops gently onto the t-shirt, where my bikini used to be. When can I go back to Heaven?

miscellany

2010-05-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I realized that it's really weird to eat mandarin oranges while thinking about goldfish.

Friday night I went to a party and had a little too much wine, and then laughed so hard I fell over while try to tell Scott that his bathroom faucet looks like a ram. (It actually does in a weird way.)

I waste a lot of money on bikinis, because I hate them. Bikinis are never flattering and I'm never happy with the ones I have. My favorite is still the one I bought during my sophomore year of college at Target, and Sarah Fait got mad at me because she wanted to buy it, and I said she still should because it's not like we wear bathing suits together that much and we could just plan to not wear them on the same day, but she irrationally refused. Anyway, I usually want to only wear that one, but if I'm going to swim every day that we're in Florida, I probs need to at least switch out my bottoms. That's a yeast infection just begging to happen.

Another thing Sarah Fait got mad at me for once was dumping out some flat soda. I was confused because I was like, "It's mine...and it's old...?" and she was like "Flat soda is my FAVORITE and you should have ASKED."

Scott is paranoid all the time that his sleeves are too "billowy." He's laying on the floor right now wearing his Snuggie and he just said "Hey babe? Do my sleeves look too billowy?"

Today I woke up with a head cold, so I bought a neti pot. Scott uses a neti pot all the time, as does my roommate and lots of other people and I've heard it's really good. So I tried to use it but instead of the water going in one nostril and out the other, in went in one and down my throat, which was gross. So then I tilted my head and it started coming out the other nostril, but in a really weak dribble that ran down my neck and got my shirt all wet.

I'm really good at Trivial Pursuit for Wii and I almost always win. And there's this announcer in the background who says stupid things all the time like "Wow, you got it!" or whatever and usually we tune him out. But during a recent game I actually listened to what he was saying and heard him announce "If this game gets any tenser I'm going to need the toilet!"

If my life gets any awesomer I'm going to be the one needing a toilet.

GOOGLE IT!!

2010-05-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

As a modern-day anthropologist of minute proportions (meaning I just wonder about people's behavior occasionally) I have developed some serious questions about a new phenomenon sweeping the nation. I call it "Brain Annex" or "Google Crutch."

Here is a related XKCD: http://xkcd.com/333/

Basically, when did we go from, "I don't know the answer to this question, I must call a more knowledgeable friend" to "I don't know the answer to this question, I'm already Googling/Wikipediaing it!" Not to say it's not effective - it is. I've learned more about American history via Wikipedia than in high school for sure. But it's like...weird.

I forgot to take my medicine today...what should I do?? Call the pharmacy for answers? Or my doctor? No way, I hate talking to people! (Especially people in lab coats, even if it's over the phone. I can hear those coats being gross in the background.) I'll just Google it! "Missed a Flomax, what to do" and suddenly I have the answer, no human contact required. (I don't really take Flomax...or do I?)

It's going too far though, I think. Several times recently I've tried to Google answers to questions like "What is that dumb girl's name from college?" or "Where did I leave my glasses?" and Brain Annex can rarely help, and I feel really stupid for having even asked.

live the dream

2010-05-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am about to make good on my promise to myself that one day I would set my alarm ringtone to this:

You KNOW you all are jealous. I am going to wake up every morning from now on feeling more powerful than you can imagine, stretching and looking over my territory! I want to take a nap right now just for an excuse to set my alarm, but I'm too excited to sleep.

Yessssssss.

Hockey Makes Me Upset

2010-05-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

True Confession: Hockey is my least favorite sport to watch. I like watching football, I love going to Celtics games although I hate watching them on TV, and I don't mind baseball occasionally. We're not going to discuss golf. But I really just have NO interest in hockey. I don't understand the rules and I can never figure out where the puck is. And the rinks are freezing.

However, Scott loves hockey. It's his favorite sport. And whenever the Flyers are in town, he buys tickets. This week, the Flyers and the Bruins are in the playoffs together. Monday night, guess where I was?

Now, of all the things I don't care for when it comes to hockey, I'm generally willing to overlook them because of the novelty of going to a game. I like hot dogs and beer and stuff. But let me tell you something...

BRUINS FANS ARE THE WORST.

I want to insert expletives there but I won't because my mom reads this blog. But seriously. They are the ******** ************ ********* WORST!

This is how our night went: Scott wears his Flyers jersey boldly into a sea of Bruins fans. We walk politely to our seats/stand in the hot dog line/etc. EVERY douchebag (don't read that, Bonnie) who walks past us screams in Scott's face "Boooooo! You suck! Flyers suck! Go home, pussy!" We do not reply.

We sit in our seats and get taunted by everyone sitting around us even though we are not speaking to them or saying anything about the Bruins. We only cheer (cautiously) for the Flyers at the appropriate times. Bruins fans far and wide spot Scott's orange jersey and scream very nasty things to us.

Scott goes to the bathroom and the hecklers turn their heckles on ME. The guy behind me says that I should leave Scott and get with him. I give him the look of death.

Scott comes back and the game continues. I'm eating popcorn and getting really upset and bored. Suddenly I hear someone behind me yell this:

"HEY HOTDOG! YOUR WIFE LIKES POWDERED BUTTER!"

I freeze, popcorn midway to my mouth. Oh my god. The hecklers are calling me fat now. I am in crisis mode. Even strangers think I eat too much popcorn. I'm freaking out and trying to explain to Scott what just happened, and he's confused. He says, "No, no one yelled that. He yelled, 'Hartnell, your wife likes Carter better.' Which is actually a very educated thing to yell..." I didn't hear the rest because I didn't really care now that I knew it wasn't about me. Powdered butter. Is that even a thing? And strangely I wasn't even phased by them calling Scott "Hotdog"??

Anyway, then for the rest of the game the guys behind us spilled beer on me and then threw trash at us until security had to threaten to escort them out. I was really mad and wanted so badly for the Flyers to win so I could turn around at the end and say calmly, "You all have been very rude to us and I hope you're ashamed of yourself. Oh, and THE BRUINS F***ING SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" But instead they yelled the opposite thing to us as we ran from the building trying to save our lives.

Pull it out in game 3, Flyers. Please.

"I'll just lay here and practice my strokes."

2010-04-30T09:51:00.001-07:00

The first time I ever farted in front of Scott, we were watching this video and I was sitting on his lap. Or, I was sitting on his lap until he realized what was happening and pushed me off. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVYbOmoThIs

Countdown to Vacation!!

2010-04-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

19 Short Days!

(It's hard to draw stick figures wearing bikinis. They come out a little wonky. Don't judge.)

A conversation between two young souls...

2010-04-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

Background info: This restaurant just opened in Davis Square and I really want to go. I have mentioned this to Scott several times, as we drive past it on our way to the gym.

Last week Scott was in Florida golfing and I texted him "Do you want to go to Posto with me some night when you're back?" He never responded.

Today I thought of it again and we had this gchat conversation:

Sam: Do you want to have dinner at Posto on Friday?

Scott: What is posto?

Sam: It's the new pizza/wine place in Davis.

Scott: Oh is it that place you texted me about? I had no idea what a post - o was. I thought you were asking me to go to the post office with you.

I Love Babies

2010-04-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

Scott and I talk all day, every day on gchat while we're supposed to be working. These are the main categories that our gchats can fall into:

Here's a link to something funny I found on Reddit! Examples: http://i.imgur.com/pYwBM.png and http://i.imgur.com/RngNb.jpg
Here's a link to something political that I think you will agree with, also from Reddit! I'll resist posting an example here.
What do you want to do tonight/this weekend?
What do you want to eat tonight/this weekend?
Why are you working instead of talking to me?

And then the one category that only I employ...

If/when we ever have a child, we WILL be getting it this! Examples:

(This one I would just put apple juice in and use it like a regular juice bottle to freak out strangers when they see the baby drinking from it.)

nobody cares what you have to say, Kara

2010-04-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

I love American Idol, but I hate Kara DioGuardi. I had to make a resolution to stop saying "Shut up, Kara!" at my TV because the TV was getting upset.

I took this picture (actually I think Scott took this one...) because of her camo-puff-sleeve dress. To quote the great Scott McLelland: I hate you, can you please go back to the forest you crawled out of?

Thanks to Wizard Sleeve and Whitey who let us be weird, pause their DVR a million times, and take pictures of Kara in the perfect Z-snap pose.

Advanced Logical Reasoning

2010-04-07T08:24:00.001-07:00

Fact: There is an old man in Cathy's office right now.

Fact: The office smells weird right now.

Does correlation imply causation in this case? Please discuss.

Fact: I've been eating/drinking a lot of dairy today.

Fact: Something else has been happening to my body that I'm too much of a lady to discuss on the interwebs.

Does correlation imply causation in this case? Please discuss.

Fact: Tim Urban (henceforth known as "Turban") is the worst contestant on American Idol.

Fact: Scott texts his vote in for Turban each week because he thinks its funny to upset me, since I am sincerely concerned for Siobhan's standings.

Fact: Turban never gets kicked off.

Does correlation imply causation in this case? Please discuss.

Poland's Finest

2010-04-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.olgaziemska.com/

This artist was featured on Design*Sponge yesterday and I thought her stuff was just so cool. More than anything else, I'm posting this here for my own benefit, so that I don't forget about her in the future. :)

I HATE SHOPPING

2010-04-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

I said that to Scott yesterday and he replied, "No you don't. You love shopping." My mom will probably say the same thing. But you guys are WRONG. I hate shopping. It sucks and makes me feel miserable. Except for online shopping which I still love.

Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed, I had a headache, and basically I was acting like a snapping turtle. Then I got to work, and had some coffee, and my headache went away and I felt better.

After work I had to go to Kenmore square to drop off a paper at my professor's office. It seems kind of dumb that he wouldn't accept emailed papers, since Kenmore is all the way across the city and I had to make a special trip just to turn in my dumb homework, but I shrugged and went for it. So this class is at AIB, the Art Institute of Boston, which is part of Lesley but is specifically an art college. Generally art students are very scary and weird, and they dress like hobos and smoke and swear and are sexually ambiguous, and all of that intimidates me. However, most AIB students that I've gotten to know are actually not that scary, beyond their appearance. But still, yesterday, there was a gaggle of them outside smoking their tar sticks when I was trying to enter the building...and I made myself look so foolish. I thought the door was locked, and struggled with it forever, and tried to unlock it with my student ID, and felt so embarrassed, and then finally one of the smokers showed me that the door was NOT locked, in fact, I was just opening it wrong. And THEN, I got inside and there was a second locked door, which I ALSO struggled with, and I felt really embarrassed again because the smokers could still see me and I looked so dumb. But I finally got in, found the elevator, went up to the second floor and started looking around for Professor Steck's office. I heard this girl's voice behind me say "Hey are you dropping off your paper?" and I didn't think she was talking to me...but then I realized, I AM dropping off a paper! So I turned around and saw that it was a girl from my class, but by that time several seconds had passed and I panicked and screamed out "YES!" in a weird strangled sounding voice. I just...wasn't having a good day. So we found the office, deposited our stupid papers, and I left. AIB trip = successful but not good.

Then I decided I would walk from Kenmore to Newbury Street, and the exercise would be nice and I would go in some stores that I like. I was feeling much better, and I bought some books at my favorite bookstore, and all was well. Then I tramped down farther, intending to go to H&M and spend a store credit I had. Along the way, a girl handed me a flyer and said, "Would you like a free gift from Nike?" Of course I replied excitedly, "YES!" (Second time I shouted YES that day, but this time was more appropriate, less painful.) So I hurried into Niketown with my little piece of paper gripped tightly in my sweaty fingers and dreamed of all the great stuff I might get... And then was crushed to find out that the "free gift" was a miniature baseball bat. Free gift my ass. More like a free way for Nike to haul away their trash. I took my bat, bopped the salesgirl over the head with it, and then laid it down and left the store. I am NO trash-hauler. (I didn't really hit anyone with my bat, but I really did leave it there.)

So now, I'm in a rage again because Nike tricked me into thinking I was going to get something awesome, and then didn't deliver. I tarried on and arrived at H&M. They had a lot of new stuff and I thought it would be so easy to spend $25. I can't even get into the details of the HOURS I spent in that hell hole, the memories are too painful. I hated everything except for 1 tanktop and 1 jacket, and they were both the most hellish shade of pinky-beige you could imagine. I could not purchase them. I look terrible in beige, I'm too pale. And you know how EVERYTHING at that store ALWAYS comes in at least 2 colors? Well apparently those self-satisfied designers were so pleased with their pinky-puke concoctions that they thought 1 color would suffice. IT DIDN'T SUFFICE, DESIGNERS! It didn't suffice. [Sob.]

But I was so determined to spend my credit, because it was burning a hole in my pocket, and like...I was THERE. It's a store jam-packed with clothes. I could find SOMETHING to wear. I looked around forEVER, talked myself out of two different black skirts, tried on some ill-fitting jeans, and settled, finally, on buying 3 t-shirts. So boring.

When I finally left H&M, my rage was incalculable. I was mad about the beige, mad about the other ugly stuff, mad about the time I had wasted in there, mad that my feet hurt, mad that my headache was back. I HATE shopping.

I had one more errand to run and then I could go home. I hightailed it to The Paper Source to return something that I didn't need. While I was there, I walked around a little and looked at the cuteness. I love that store. Everything is adorable. Slowly I felt my rage fly away. I found the most adorable anniversary card for Scott, and felt so much better as I got in line to return/pay. While I was waiting, I flipped the card over to see the price, more out of curiosity than anything else. I knew it would be a little expensive - nothing is cheap there - but I was not prepared for what I saw. NINE DOLLARS. They wanted NINE DOLLARS for that stupid thing! Under no circumstances was I willing to pay that. I slammed it down on a display table, returned my stupid pack of paper, silently seethed at the extortioners of The Paper Source, and left in a huff. My headache was back in full force. I HATE SHOPPING. I haaaaaaaaaaate shopping.

I went home and sulked for a long time, cried a little out of pure misery, and then Scott came over to cheer me up. The day end much better than it began. But still...shopping is my enemy. I shall never shop again for as long as I live.

Also, Happy Easter.

Cuties

2010-03-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Look at these adorable little succulents! I bought them at Home Depot on Sunday and then planted them in tiny candle holders. I'm in love.

porridge corral

2010-03-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

For no good reason whatsoever, I really dislike the girl who works at the front desk of Biology Headquarters, downstairs. She's really a nice person, probably...but she just seems so totally not capable of performing her job tasks and I despise her. She wrote me this email today. I successfully resisted the urge to reply, "Thanks Kassandra... But why did it take you 20 days to respond to this simple question? Your skull is just a porridge corral because your brain is such mush."

**Please ignore this retarded formatting. Blogger hates me and I don't want to figure out how to fix it because its time for me to leave work.**

From: XXXXXXXX@MIT.EDU

Subject: Re: Biostaff Email List

Date: March 30, 2010 2:29:51 PM EDT

To: sbeam@mit.edu

You have been added, there haven't been any colloquium announcements yet. THe next colloquium is 4/6 due to spring break.

Kassandra TXXXXXX

Department of Biology Headquarters

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

77 Massachusetts Avenue., 68-132

Cambridge, MA 02139

617-253-XXXX

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.

On Mar 10, 2010, at 11:13 AM, Samantha Beam wrote:

Hi Kassandra,

I had stopped by a few weeks ago and asked to be added to the biostaff email list. I haven't been getting any of the emails though, so I'm wondering if maybe there was a typo or something? My email address is sbeam@mit.edu. If you could make sure that I'm on the list from now on, that would be great!

Thanks!

Samantha

Samantha Beam

Office of Cathy Drennan

Building 68 Room 680

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Cambridge, Massachusetts 02139

Phone 617-258-7851

Rain Rain Go Away, or I'll Punch You in the Face

2010-03-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

It is disgusting outside today, so I'm writing in all yellow. It is currently 12:53 pm, I'm eating my lunch, and it is literally as dark as night outside. And it's pouring rain. Sick. I am so tired of this weather!

Here are a few bright spots in my day:

1. Berryline's flavor of the day is raspberry and I've already decided that I WILL be going there after the gym tonight.

2. Today is Passover and my Tuesday class professor is Jewish, so no class for me tonight! Which, this is actually my favorite class so I am a little sad, but its nice to have free time too.

3. Cathy keeps having closed-door meetings today, so I can blog and surf the interwebs as much as I wish.

4. There is French Vanilla Coffeemate waiting for me in my fridge at home.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

True Life: I'm an Elf

2010-03-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

leave room for cream: an ode to my fatal attraction

2010-03-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Coffee...

I've always been fond of you.

Coffee...

I put cream in your for the first time on Friday.

On a whim.

It was amazing.

I thought I didn't like dairy in my coffee but I guess that just applies to stupid milk.

Cream.

I love you.

Cream.

You are going to send me to fat camp.

It is my birthday.

2010-03-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I turn 25 today. Shep is celebrating by filling the air with the most noxious, offensive doggie farts I've ever experienced. Look, they're so bad you can literally see the scent particles in the air:

this is like, SO awkward, but...

2010-03-17T08:07:00.001-07:00

Yuck, I don't even want to admit it. But...reluctantly...I will confess that one of the fashion blogs I read mentioned American Eagle today, and I was like, "Oh, that old place that I loved when I was in the 9th grade? No one will know if I secretly go to their website and look around." So I did...and I liked some stuff. Actually several things. I'm literally shivering with fear as I type those words. I decided I was too old for that place a DECADE ago! What's next, I'm going to try to squeeze back into The Limited Too??

lunch today = mehhhhh

2010-03-16T09:15:00.001-07:00

WeightWatchers mac and cheese is inappropriately named. It should be called "mac and something." Because I don't know what this yellow stuff is, but I know it is NOT cheese.

What would Lisa Love say? Nothing, she'd just vomit.

2010-03-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

How did Lauren Conrad manage to do such a TERRIBLE job on her Kohl's line? Don't tell me you don't laugh when you look at this stuff:

Could it be any more Kohl's-from-1996-in-the-"mom"-department looking? No. It couldn't. It's terrible.

And I really expected better from LC. I always loved what she wore on the Hills. And I know it's Kohl's, so there's sort of the perfunctory cheap-looking-ness that has to be stamped onto anything they sell. But Vera Wang has a Kohl's line that is frequently pretty cute. LC - you could have done better. You SHOULD have done better. You let me down.

anger face

2010-03-11T09:30:00.001-08:00

I HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF A THEFT! Get ready for some complicated math here...

On Monday I brought 4 frozen Chicken Tikka Masala lunches (from Trader Joes, SO GOOD, if you haven't tried them you should) to work with me and put them in the freezer with "BEAM" scrawled beautifully across their shiny cardboard.

At lunch time, I ate 1 of them. There were 3 left.

On Tuesday I brought a chicken salad sandwich with me and ate that for lunch, thusly had no reason to go in the freezer so I don't know the status of my CTMs that day.

On Wednesday at lunch, I went to get another CTM to pop it in the microwave...AND THERE WAS ONLY 1 IN THE FREEZER! That means 2 were missing!

So I didn't know what to think... Could someone have moved them? Mistaken them for their own? Eaten them with the intention of replacing them? I was all worked up and didn't know what to do. Eventually I decided to leave an emotionally-and-accusatorily-ambiguous note on the freezer door to see if the culprit would step forward.

Today is Thursday and I have received no compensation for my loss. SOMEONE owes me $6!

Then, I got more news. Mishtu says that Cathy has ALSO had some things stolen from the freezer, including a macaroni and cheese! So there's someone who has been thieving from us repeatedly! I am mad!

Tonight, I'm baiting the criminal. I left a can of Cherry Coke Zero in the fridge and I'm kind of hoping that tomorrow morning it will be gone, so that I can leave THIS awesome note in the kitchen:

To the person who has been stealing food from me,

So far I'm missing two chicken tikka masala lunches and one can of soda. I hope you enjoyed them. I'm sure you did, I have great taste in foods.

Why have you been taking my stuff though? Are you poor? If you're hungry and you can't afford your own groceries, by all means, come see me. I have some weird trail mix and a couple cans of soup on my shelf that I'd be happy to give you. But please stop taking the stuff I leave in the freezer. I'm kind of poor too, and grocery shopping for both of us is getting expensive. And besides, if I voluntarily give you food, then after, I am filled with that warm feeling of generosity. If you steal it from me, I'm filled with bad feelings, and I don't get to pat myself on the back for that.

If you can, I would really appreciate having my food replaced promptly. I would also accept $7 in cash.

Also, I know you took some of Cathy's mac and cheese. I'll let her set the terms of that replacement deal though.

Sincerely,

Disappointed

(Also known as Samantha in 68-680)

I shall call her Samantha the Second

2010-03-11T08:34:00.000-08:00

If anybody is desperately searching for the perfect birthday gift for yours truly, look no further. It's this little ball of fluff:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my heart hurts with cuteness.

it's true, i totally do

2010-03-10T12:16:00.001-08:00

warm weather makes me think crazy thoughts

2010-03-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

Yes my loved ones, this is a new, text-heavy blog entry. Astounding. This pretty awesome blogger inspired me to get back to the high-art high-horse, so here I go.

I blog a lot about shoes. My friend Sarah blogs a lot about soup, Kendi (above) blogs a lot about her husband and their iphones, Abby-tastic blogs a lot about animals and teeth. I blog a lot about shoes...and food...and Scott. My three loves! :)

Here's a new shoe update in case anyone was concerned that I've been going barefoot. My cutie sister sent me an early birthday present of something I have desired for my entire life: Converse sneakers. I've been wanting them for forEVER but I always think they make my feet look like duck flappers so I don't buy them...and then finally I went for it. "Cassie," I said. "Cassie, buy me some Converse sneakers." And she did. And they're great. Check out how phatly they compliment my chicken ankles:

Other life updates include that the weather has been amazing this weekend/week and I'm about to go on a really nice bike ride in a few minutes. AND I just bought a Taylor Swift song on itunes and another song that I'm embarrassed about so I won't say what it was but maybe you should just know that every day I "wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P Diddy." (Maybe you should also know that Scott sings that to me all the time and he knows all of the words of the chorus.)

Also, just to be clear - I DO frequently wake up in the mornings feeling like P Diddy. :)

sometimes i design things

2010-02-17T13:17:00.000-08:00

Visit my Etsy shop and help pay my rent this month. :)

www.etsy.com/shop/whiteinkdesign

DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH

2010-02-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

creature of habit

2010-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have a predisposition to getting hooked on certain foods for extended periods of time.

It's not as bad these days as it used to be - like my freshman year at Gordon, when all I EVER wanted to eat was chicken salad wraps; or when I spent a semester in Seattle, and all I EVER ate was Jamba Juice (Razzmatazz w/ OJ) and bubble tea (orange w/ extra boba please). Sarah and Sarah will remember these times clearly, I am sure. Or - remember my Spritetastic year? It was like, I swear, a whole year when all I drank was Spritetastic, a recipe of my own invention, combining Sprite, cranberry juice, and apple juice. I remember one day in the dining hall when I was feeling kind of grumpy and out of sorts, and Sarah Fait looks at me and goes, "Sam, have you had any Spritetastic today? Go get some, it always makes you feel better." And she was right, I pepped up immediately.

Last winter I went through a phase where all I wanted to eat was Fiber One bars and iced lattes. That was a bad time. Possibly better for me, though, than my Coke and Cheez-it fetish of the previous fall.

There are certain things that I just know I can't have in my house - like Oreos - because I just WILL NOT STOP eating them until they're gone.

These are the things I'm eating now: Cherry Coke Zero, herb & garlic goat cheese with crackers, blueberries (on sale at Shaw's but still expensive - I've probably spent $20 on blueberries in the past week and a half), and these really delicious cookies that are like mint Milanos, but better.

I get to leave work in 13 minutes and I can't wait to go home and finish off my pint of blueberries. :)

12 Things You Must Know Before You Die

2010-01-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

A few months ago there was a trend on Facebook where people were writing "notes" called 25 Things You Didn't Know About Me (or something like that...I forget). I read quite a few of them and secretly wanted to do one myself, but felt that in order to maintain my "too cool for school image," I had to refrain.

However, tonight I can't fall asleep and the urge has overtaken me, so here goes. These are in no particular order (though I'm saving the best for last) and there's only 12...quality over quantity, that's my motto.

-- When I get to work each day, the first website I go to (after Gmail) is always failblog.org.
-- I am an excellent whistler and I credit this skill largely to my years of playing flute in my middle school band.
-- Every summer when I was a child, my mom would make homemade grape juice, and I drank so much of it that my teeth were stained purple. I still love grape juice and could go for some now.
-- I get so excited when I walk into a library that my heart starts beating faster and sometimes I sweat.
-- My parents are both extremely picky eaters, and as a result, I never had the opportunity to try many common foods until I went away to college. These include: tuna, guacamole, brie, or anything of the Asian persuasion (Thai, Indian, Sushi, etc.).
-- However, there were many foods that were common in our house that a lot of people would consider gross, including: red beet eggs, scrapple, venison, sauerkraut, sweet bologna, and COPIOUS amounts of velveeta.
-- The summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, I worked for a tractor trailer parts distributor, and my boss's name was Fats Kraybill. And yes, he was alarmingly overweight.
-- Almost everything I know about history I learned from Wikipedia. I never took American history in high school.
-- Ever since the first time I saw The Little Mermaid, I've wanted red hair. This led to an ill-fated home dying attempt in 9th grade, and I had purple hair for a few months. I was looking a little more "Ursula" than "Ariel" I believe.
-- I've always had a problem holding in my farts when I laugh, and this has resulted in MANY awkward moments. For a while when I was young, my mom tried daily to get me to take Beano.
-- I love coming up with nicknames for my family and friends (and sometimes enemies). Marzipan Griffendor, Cats, Retainers Josh...just a few classics.

Finally, I'll leave you with this last fact because I know it's going to leave a great mental image for you:
-- I will only sleep in my birthday suit. I refuse to wear any kind of pajamas to bed -- I absolutely hate it. Sometimes this gets to be a problem, like when camping or sharing a room with my sister, but I just despise pajamas. It makes me feel like I'm trapped and tangled up. Ugh. And since I'm writing this post in bed right now...you know what that means. ;)

Dangerous Minds

2009-12-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

Every Monday I student teach at a middle school in Dorchester. I really love some of the kids and I've learned a lot overall... but Dorchester is the ghetto and some of these kids are borderline evil. Not evil really...just troubled and extremely mean. Like...REALLY mean. And scary. I feel scared most of the time that I'm with them. And they're smart asses too. They make me feel like a complete moron on a regular basis. But of course when I started, I had visions of myself coming in and being a total Michelle Pfeiffer on their tough exteriors. It did not happen that way. Not even close.

cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

2009-12-13T09:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErMWX--UJZ4&feature=player_embedded

this one's for you, cristy

2009-12-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I know my blog entries have seemed a little lazy recently... And by that I mean, they're mostly pictures of other people's creative work, and not much of my own thoughts, etc. But I swear, I'm really not lazy. It's just that I'm in finals right now, and I had Christmas gifts to buy, and cards to send, and a boyfriend who was a complete gimp for a week and would say things to me like, "Can you pick up that piece of mail on the floor? I dropped it yesterday morning." So yeah, I've been busy. But after next week, my life should be seriously quiet for the next month, and during that time, I have a whole list of things to accomplish:

1. Blog.

2. Paint.

3. Blog about painting.

4. Finish reading Harry Potter 4, which I started in SEPTEMBER and its a kids' book and I couldn't finish it in four months??

5. Watch soooo much TV...I miss you, TV. We used to be such close friends.

6. See people. People who don't work with me or go to school with me. Just people that I like.

7. Read more stuff.

8. Exercise for the first time since...I don't want to say it.

I can't wait.

{ etsy }

2009-12-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

Etsy is my new favorite website ever. I'm crazy about it. I've used it before (Mom, I think your Christmas present last year was an Etsy find...) but I recently re-discovered my love of it. Here are a few of the best shops I've found:

KyleAnnMetals (http://www.etsy.com/shop/kyleannemetals), easily the cutest rings I've ever seen. I want them all.

Flourish Bath + Body (http://www.etsy.com/shop/FlourishBathBody)... it's hard to judge bath products from an internet site, so I hardly every buy anything scented that way. But the packaging on her lip glosses and body scrubs drew me in, so I went for it. I haven't received my order yet but I'm anticipating greatness.

CrArt Handmade Jewelry (http://www.etsy.com/shop/craftsyuri) is another jeweler that I am just nuts about. I want everything. EVERYTHING!

Crazy Boy (http://www.etsy.com/shop/CrazyBoy) has such chic and timeless purses.

If you find any more great Etsy shops that I don't know about, send them my way! I love buying from Etsy because you can see your money going directly to the artist...rather than buying something similar (and probably more expensive) from a chain store.

i am obsessed with tara donovan

2009-11-20T10:06:00.000-08:00

She's an artist who makes incredible work out of paper plates, styrofoam cups, tape, plastic straws, and other everyday items. She was exhibiting at the ICA earlier this year and I missed it...I'm kicking myself eternally. Her work is so insane and so beautiful.

Here's the link to her wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_Donovan

Here's some of her work:

(Styrofoam cups)

(Paper plates)

(Styrofoam cups/hot glue)

(Adding machine paper)

(Drinking straws)

(Drinking straws from a distance)

(Scotch tape)

i got Arby's

2009-11-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Mary for sending me this amazing flow chart. It is seriously so accurate! I love Arby's!

Samantha and Shep's Excellent Adventure

2009-10-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Cathy had meetings all afternoon and asked me to take her labradoodle, Shep, on a walk in the mid-afternoon. I was suuuuper excited to do that because I love Shep, and it was a really nice day out, and I've never walked him before. Here are some pics of our jaunt around campus!

Part of the reason I like Shep so much is that he reminds me of Scott. They're both tall and have curly hair; they both think that they are entitled to eating half of my lunch and they pout if I don't let them; and they both are stronger than me and pull me places I don't want to go. (Shep pulls me into heavy traffic, Scott pulls me into Sports Authority.)

Something that's NOT the same about Shep and Scott is that Shep relieves himself outdoors and I have to clean it up in a plastic bag whilst gagging.

one of the funniest things i've ever seen

2009-10-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD_6uld50Fs&feature=related

Don't watch this at work if you don't want your boss to see you rolling around on the floor crying with laughter. (I do want my boss to see me doing that, so it was fine for me.)

MIT is funny

2009-10-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

There are funny things about working at MIT. One of the funny things is that when someone smells smoke they immediately assume the building is going to explode and/or we're smelling like napalm or something. Because, like, there's crazy chemicals and junk in the labs and a lot of weirdos working in them and I don't think napalm is all that hard to make anyway.

Another funny thing is that most of the buildings were renovated in the late-70s or early-80s so when I walk through the halls I sometimes pretend that I'm Theo Huxtable in that one episode of the Cosby Show where he goes to college and finds out he's dyslexic. The buildings just look like what a college is "supposed" to look like. Its awesome and I'll try to take pictures of the really cute stuff soon.

A third funny thing about MIT is that there are world famous scientists all around and they just look like normal people. The other day I was in an unfamiliar building for a meeting and I left to go to the bathroom, but I didn't know where it was. So I stuck my head in the copy room and asked a guy in there for directions, and he gave them to me, and then I thought maybe he was like a Nobel Prize winner or something, and there's no way to know! I might have gotten directions to the crapper from Stephen Hawking! He wasn't in a wheelchair so probs wasn't The Hawk, but I don't really know any other famous scientists off the top of my head to use as an example. I am an embarrassment to my employer. (If my life really was the Cosby Show, I would have asked a stranger for directions to the bathroom and he'd turn around to reveal that he was Barack Obama. But my life is not a sitcom.)

My office.

My favorite room - its like a lounge down the hall, I think its so adorable and picturesque with the books and the bikes.

Giant tank of nitrogen. In the hallway. Whatevs.

things

2009-10-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

I took that picture tonight of a tree illuminated by the street lights on my walk home. I like it.
I got an A on my first grad school paper. An A! I know, I'm horrible, I shouldn't brag on the internet. But this is so exciting for me. After 4 years of college where I scrounged up Bs at my best and Cs normally, a graduate-level A feels great.
Sarah started her own blog! Please click here and read all about venison, her first entry: buttersbetter.blogspot.com
I work with this dog every day. I feed him beef stew so he'll like me.

Ehhhhhhhh the stupid blogger numbering thing is messed up and it changed my 5 to a 1 and I can't fix it and I'm too tired to try more so whatever. Stop judging.

On Friday I went to Trader Joe's, and while I was there I bought some raspberry candies for Scott, because he likes them and rarely goes to Trader Joe's on his own. So then, they were sitting on my desk for a couple days, and I decided I'd open the box and try one. You know...just one. Well I ended up eating half the box (not joking, we estimate about 400-500 calories worth of candy in two days) and now I'm on a strict detox. It was horrendous and I am never doing that to myself again. AKA...not until next week, at LEAST. Here's a link to a Japanese article about these candies: http://www.nichibeitimes.com/?p=4872. You KNOW if the Nichi Bei Times is covering it, they're newsworthy.

An Arts Approach to Multicultural Education

2009-10-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

I had class this weekend. All weekend. Exhausted. I'm so exhausted. 23 hours of class in 48 hours. Bullet points of "highlights" below.

Girl had whale eyes. I recognized them from seeing the Dolphins and Whales IMAX at the New England Aquarium.
Midget wore berets every day. Saturday beret was bedazzled. On half.
Instructors were Bea Arthur and Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie.
Heard Bea Arthur fart.
Sat on little chairs.
Made sculptures out of our bodies.
Threw stuffed animals at each other.
Journaled about our feelings on 8 separate occasions.
Whale eyes couldn't pronounce R sounds.
Hula hoops.
Dancing.
Poetry.
Ladysmith Black Mombazo.

These are just a few impressions. I can't put them together any better than this. My brain is so fried. Final thought...I paid approximately $2400 for this experience.

Fantastic. I'm having a fantastic year.

2009-10-01T10:16:00.001-07:00

Things that are true:

Scott gave me a Snuggie for our 6 month anniversary.
I ate lunch today at 10:45am because I couldn't wait any longer.
I moved my bed last night by myself and my new furniture arrangement makes me really happy. I think I accidentally feng shuied my bedroom. How the crap do you spell that?
Jesus taught me how to use Dreamweaver and published my broken webpages for me in the premier miracle of this decade.
I toured a Montessori school this morning and it was so wonderful I almost cried and now I want to be a Montessori teacher but I don't know howww.
I saw a man on the T this morning who was asleep and snoring with his hand down his pants.
I had my first ChocoTaco today (for second-lunch) and I'm in love.

We Are the Cooooolest

2009-09-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year, and it makes me do crazy things. Don't tell the Target workers.

Banana-rama:

Hot Dog Shimmy:

Dorkface McGeeks-a-lot

2009-09-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

My boss Cathy has been home with her sick baby yesterday and today, leaving me completely alone in the office. I've been really bored because I have no one to talk to and hardly any work to do. This is how I've been entertaining myself today:

ps

2009-09-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to clarify, since there has been some confusion. (Cassie...Abby...I'm looking at you two.) I did not actually get my hair cut. It's a wig. It's supposed to make me look like Michael Scott but kind of makes me look more like Rizzo from Grease. Anyway, my real hair remains untouched. FYI.

i heart the indigo girls

2009-09-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! What do you think of my new haircut?!?

i'm the worst

2009-09-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

It's been over a month since I last posted anything on here. I'm the worst. But I've been crazy busy starting school, starting a new job, and keeping up with the rest of my life. To give you a little insight into my mental state these days, I'll share that I bought a box of poptarts yesterday at Shaws. A FAMILY SIZE BOX. If you know me well that should mean something significant to you. So anyway, blogging has been low-priority of late. However, I did take time to do a quick photoshoot with my dear friend Jackie, who did a great job modeling for me outside of a falling-down warehouse by Tufts. Here are a few shots from that night.

Rest in Peace

2009-08-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 14 marked my last day at Flybridge, so I'm officially unemployed again (and loving it). However, in contrast to my celebratory feelings of freedom upon finishing my last work day, I also felt a tinge of sadness. The time had come for me to lay a pair of dear friends to rest: my everyday black pumps.

They were faithful and kind to me. They were beautiful, and comfortable, and as I recall, I got them at quite the bargain. They lasted for a long time, seeing me through one of the most challenging and unpredictable years of my life, and I'll never forget that. But, as time went on, they became quite worn (and stinky) and I had to resign them to their final resting place...the trash can.

Here's a photo tribute to two of the greatest shoes I've ever known. Note the close-ups of their battle scars, and don't be ashamed if you have to look away, or shed a tear.

"Thank you for bein' a friend..."

"...travel down the road and back again..."

"...your heart is true..."

"...you're a pal and a confidante."

Eye Spy

2009-08-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

This morning on the T I saw a girl with a strange face. Do not misunderstand me - this blog post is not an effort to make fun of her at all, though it might seem that way at first. But think of it more as a sociological inquiry into the relationship between makeup and deformity.

So, to start, let's say this is what a normal face looks like:

This is a rough estimate of what the girl's face looked like:

Now, my question is this: If I had a rogue eye, would I still wear eyeshadow on it?

The girl in question did. She was wearing bright blue eyeshadow on both lids. I feel like...that's not what I would do. Because the idea of eyeshadow is to highlight and draw attention to the eyes. However, it is my understanding that people with deformities generally DON'T want to draw attention to that part of their body. So...should she maybe have worn eyeshadow on only her good eye? But does that just make it weirder?

So then I thought, she should just wear no eyeshadow at all. But, in my experience, well meaning but stupid girls are always trying to give makeovers to the "less fortunate" -- by which I mean that if she was wearing no makeup at all, dimwits might accost her from all angles trying to make her look better.

It's a tough call. I think the resolution is that if I had her problem I would wear mascara on both eyes, and nothing else. But let's hope I never have to make that decision. I'd prefer for my eyes to stay firmly planted where they are. Thoughts, suggestions?

so fetching

2009-08-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

Saucier than whom, Sally??? And yes...yes you are. Let's get this woman a promotion up in here!

crime against humanity: crotch-wadding shorts

2009-08-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dear lord, lady. Go to the mall. Buy yourself a new pair of shorts. I would recommend at least 1, maybe 2 sizes up from these, and an added 2-4 inches to your inseam. They might cost you $30, but trust me. They will change your life. And immediately burn these - they're giving me the twitches.

FAIL.

2009-08-05T15:12:00.001-07:00

are you ready to die?!?!?

2009-08-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend I fell blindly into a camping/white water rafting trip with Scott, his roommate Ricardo (an Asian/Brazilian - sounds exotic but he's not really), their friends Mark and Simon, Simon's girlfriend Whitney, and Ricardo's friend Stan (an Asian-Asian ASIAN Asian). I did not understand what I was agreeing to when Scott first presented the idea to me, many weeks ago, but I agreed because I'm a good girlfriend and I thought that if I did this, he'd owe me big and then I'd be able to leverage that debt into him into doing something that I wanted to do later.

I should have been suspicious when, a few days before we were scheduled to leave, Whitney freaked out and she and Simon decided to raft a different (easier) river. Apparently she was watching YouTube videos of the Penobscot and didn't like what she saw. But instead of following in her footsteps and watching the videos myself, I promptly pronounced her "weak sauce" and continued on with our set plan - now as the only Squaw in our group.

Saturday night we arrived at our campsite and quickly set up our tents - actually, that's not perfectly accurate. Ricardo and Mark of course sucked at setting up their tent and needed the help of our resident Eagle Scout, Scott. No surprise there. Then Scout Scott pulled out his MULTIPLE knives and started trying to make us a fire, while sending me searching around the dark woods for sticks. And THEN, when nothing would burn because its been such a moist and disgusting summer, he made me rip pages out of my favorite book, Christy (which we had just bought for 50 cents at the grocery store nigh abouts half an hour prior) to get it started. Au revoir, Acknowledgements page. You will be missed. But anyway, Christy got us started and we were able to make a few smores before bed.

Sleeping, for me, was great. I slept like a baby and when we woke up at 6am, I was a little sleepy but overall, feeling good. Sleeping, for everyone else, was apparently the worst experience of their lives. Or, you would think so, based on the amount of complaining I heard from the boobs I was with. Also, I heard many reports of shenanigans going on in the middle of the night. Stan is quite the snorer, and when Scott couldn't fall asleep due to his rumbling, he got up to shake Stan's tent vigorously to make him stop, and in the process accidentally kicked Mark, who was awake anyway but still deeply offended since he had not done anything to deserve it. Then, Scott decided to pull a Bruno move on Ricardo -- surprising him in a high degree of undress, claiming that a bear had eaten his clothes and that they would be safer together...WINK. To my knowledge, Ricardo did not accept this proposition. He had already taken himself to the backseat of our chariot in an attempt to drown out the noise of a local redneck cover band playing in the campground "bar" down the trail. They regaled drunken, one-eyed townies with their cheap versions of Bruce Springsteen and Pearl Jam until the wee hours of the morning, and Ricardo was piiiiiiiissed.

Anyway, the sun rose on us Sunday morning and we quickly broke down our campsite and ambled down to the rafting office (the "bar" from the previous evening). We wolfed down our $6 all-you-can eat breakfasts and were ready to go by 7:30, the advertised departure time. I feel like a breakdown of the outfits each of our group members wore would be a really apt way of describing our rafting "personalities" and will be important for understanding the way our whole trip went, so here goes:

Scott "I'm a boyscout and I am so going to dominate this river" McLelland wore a long sleeve nylon shirt, swim trunks, polypropylene socks, and Merrills. (Yeah, Merrills.)

Mark "I'm not uber-prepared like Scott but I'll probably do OK" Wasio wore swim trunks, a t-shirt, and sneakers.

I "Same middle name as Mark" wore the girl version of that outfit, with my bathing suit bottoms underneath running shorts.

Ricardo "I'm a badass I think" Goto wore a tight, white nylon t-shirt which he promptly took off, so as to better bare his chest, with swim trunks, "five finger" shoes (in other words, there was a pocket for each individual toe), and a do-rag. (Yeah, a do-rag.)

Stan "I don't know his last name and I don't know why he thought his choice of footwear was appropriate" wore a t-shirt, swim trunks, and brown leather boat shoes.

We were quite the crew.

After getting fitted with the lamest looking helmets and life jackets EVER, we stood around for like half an hour waiting for the rest of the lazy-ass rafters to show up. Here's a summary of what we all did to pass the time:
-- Scott thought it was funny to bang me on the helmet with his paddle every time I turned my back to him.
-- Ricardo and Stan discussed whether or not it would be possible for a person to have surgery to reduce cankles.
-- Mark...who knows. I have no memory of Mark even being along on most of the trip, even though he was. For all I know, he was shape-shifting back and forth from man to mosquito all day.
-- I spied on the Three Rivers staff and silently willed my favorite staffer to be our assigned river guide. Then I pointed out to Scott the one staffer that I specifically did NOT want to have as our guide. More on that later...

After an eternity of waiting, we finally gathered to hear our safety instructions and then head to the river. Allow me to offer some background info: Up to this point, I was not scared at all about rafting. Upon hearing the safety instructions, I was completely terrified. The last thing they said to us was, "And if you're pregnant, we can't take you." I immediately turned to Scott and blurted, "I'm pregnant! I can't go!" I am, of course, NOT pregnant, but at that moment I was willing to jump at any reason to not get on that raft. They make it sound like certain death, honestly. They talk to you about getting thrown off the raft and floating down river, getting your feet caught in debris along the riverbed, getting towed back onto the raft via rope, and getting trapped underneath of the raft. The river is "Class 5" which is, I understand, no joke. But also, that day the water level was especially high, and they told us it was only a little bit under the level that would classify it as unsafe for commercial use. I was like...HOLY CRAP. I am out of my league fo' REALZ.

Then they assigned groups to raft guides, and of COURSE, we got the one guide that I absolutely did not want. This guy...he was about 6'2, 225lbs, covered in tattoos (including one down his shin bone that read "TORMENTED"), was wearing rhinestone sunglasses and a rhinestone belt buckle, had turquoise-painted toenails, and spent the morning wandering around singing Johnny Cash songs to himself. Needless to say, he totally scared me. Oh, also - his name was Rhino. Yeah.

But once again, I found myself completely in the wrong. Rhino turned out to be the best guide we could possibly have gotten. He was the EMT and trip leader on the river, and was actually a really nice guy. Almost all of the other rafts flipped over, or people fell out, and the raft guided by the guy that I had WANTED actually had a woman get hurt on a rock, and she couldn't finish the trip. (Scott responded with an emphatic "Mmmm HMMM! *Snap!* Told you we didn't want that guy!") Our raft never flipped, although we did come VERY close. And, naturally, Stan fell out twice but that was so not Rhino's fault. Stan just like...popped off the side. We weren't even going through rapids! The second time it happened, when Rhino said "Man overboard!" and I turned around to see that it was Stan who had fallen in again, I accidentally said out loud "Are you kidding me?!"

Anyway, in summary, rafting was nothing to be scared of. Once we got started, it was SUPER fun, and there was very little danger. The rapids only last for a few seconds, and then you paddle over quiet water for EVER before you get to the next rough patch. The worst part, for me, was sitting on the edge of the boat for so long. My butt still aches today. But I am really glad I didn't claim pregnancy. We even went over a waterfall! Then we pulled up to a rock and had the opportunity to go underneath the waterfall on a little ledge. Scott was the first to go, and while he was in there, Ricardo and I accidentally drifted underneath the water and were getting completely dumped on, waiting for him to come out. It was pretty uncomfortable and we ended up paddling away before anyone else went in because it just wasn't working very well.

Some miscellaneous funny items from the day:

-- We paddled under an overpass, and there was a woman standing on it who shouted down to us "Are you ready to DIE?!?!?" I don't know what her deal was.
-- Rhino and another guide, Decker, made plans (by shouting back and forth to each others' rafts) to split a bottle of Wild Turkey that evening and they were particularly excited that someone called Mule Face wouldn't be around to mooch off of them.
-- The guides have some sort of weird language that they speak in. Like, they would yell back and forth "Hey, you gonna diddly do on the sunny side up, Bro?" "Naw, are you?" "Yeah I think so." "Well don't diddle too close to the jibbity jobbity, knowemsayin?" "Yickle in the pickle, no joke! Big A's an angry mistress!"

Gosh, there's so much more to tell. I feel like I have infinite stories from our adventures, but this entry is already suuuuper long. I'll cut it short and if you're lucky, maybe more details will bubble forth from me in later days.

an epistle of love traveling to you through time and space

2009-07-28T18:10:00.001-07:00

Certain sweet woodland elves have been whispering into my ears that I have not been blogging enough (or at all, really) and so, at long last, here is a little proof that I still love the internet.

These are some pictures I took of an ad in my mom's Good Housekeeping. These are dolls. Little, creepy, wrinkly, goofily-hatted dolls. I want to buy like 5 dozen of them and fill Scott's roommate's bedroom with them. Scariest. Prank. Ever. (And Ricardo deserves it because he has been giving me undeserved attitude lately. And by "lately" I mean he's only ever given me attitude for as long as I've known him. And by "undeserved" I mean I probably did deserve it.)

bu-ohhhhh-na fi-eeeeee-sta

2009-07-01T17:05:00.001-07:00

Let's do this night in reverse, shall we?

End of the night. Jenna and Amanda are looking...worn. What could have exhausted them so thoroughly?!

The REMIX II. I flat-out refused to go on this death machine.

Jenna and Sam look messy and confused. What are the eating?!

Oh, they shared a romantic cannoli!! How sweet. (Just to be clear...I'm the Tramp in this scenario. Jenna is pure Lady.)

A street-wide tribute to our fallen Italian brothers.

A free hot dog?! What magical land is this place?

Jenna mounts a motorbike.

Oh, so the motorbike rolled in under the warm buttocks of the one and only Brucie Muenzner. That makes perfect sense.

Where'd ya get that neat flask, Sam?

JAM poses seductively next to the ticket booth. Could these tickets inside be used for the REMIX II???? Time will tell.

Pie eating contest in the middle of the street on the back of a pickup truck. And there were trophies. Duh.

Maximum capacity 99 mofos? Must be a classy joint.

Oh I see. It's the Gloucester Brewing Company!! Aka...saloon.

Cindy?? When did she get here? And who's that geezer she's talking to??

No caption.

And the flask appears. I stole this from a child's kitchen play set. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't.

The loveliest ladies in all the land meet for a low-key breakfast in their favorite seaside vacation town.

Fiesta happens. You can't stop it. You can't understand it. You can only take it in and praise the lord that you lived.

get in my bellayyy

2009-06-24T05:57:00.001-07:00

A really good meal always deserves a blog post.

Chicken pot pie:

Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting:

The crazy chef:

they call me the pied piper

2009-06-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

I HAVE TEN FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will the romance never die?!

2009-06-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

This weekend, Scott and I Biore Stripped each other. Aren't we cute?

This is the gunk from someone's nose. I won't tell you whose, because I can imagine that the documentation of one's comedos on the interwebs is not a pleasant thing. (Regarding that shiznit of a word I just casually employed...yeah, I had to look it up the first time I saw it too. Don't be ashamed. I mean, if anything, you should be ashamed that at the time, I was reading a Kafka novel, and you are currently reading a totally low-brow blog. Then again, I write a low-brow blog, publicly, and you're only the anonymous reader. So now I don't know who should be more ashamed. I'm going to say you.) But yeah, this strip is the gunkiest I've ever seen. Srsly.

sometimes on the T...

2009-06-09T14:55:00.001-07:00

Sometimes on the T, people wear floppy orange hats. Sometimes they get really sleepy. Sometimes they hunch over in their seats and just take a little cat nap right then and there.

Sometimes on the T, people wear immodestly low-cut v-neck t-shirts. Sometimes they reveal their pasty white, shaven chests.

Sometimes on the T, people abandon piles of clothes. Sometimes people get off the T naked???

Ahh, la vie boheme.

cassettes

2009-06-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was walking through the parking lot of the Dorchester Target (yes, I know there's a Target in Somerville, but I prefer to commune with my people in a lower-income area) and I discovered a treasure laying on the ground. It was a cassette tape of Vietnamese music that had been discarded by a fellow shopper. At first, I passed it by, but then I thought to myself, "No. No, go back and get that. Scott needs it."

So I walked back (WALKED BACK - YES) and picked it up off the ground, and wrapped it in a piece of paper (it was kind of coated in nail polish that seemed still a little wet) and stuck it in my purse. Then I carefully put it in a safe place when I got home and waited for him to get back from the Bahamas so I could give it to him. I cared for it for a WEEK - over a week actually! - and even MOVED it with me to my new apartment, all the while making sure that it was not lost or damaged.

I gave it to him last night. This is the reaction I expected:

This is closer to what I got:

COME ON!

movin' on up

2009-05-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm officially a Somerville resident!!!! I spent my first night here last night, and I slept like a baby in a coma. Here is some documentation of the move:

Mom - doing most of the work...

Vom...and I call myself a woman. Look at this mess!

All my junk, plus a glimpse of Dad's head...

I don't know which makes me cringe harder, the Harley Davidson t-shirt or those RIDICULOUS gloves, which he wore ALL DAY. I cannot stop rolling my eyes. I cannot. Look at them!

The (mostly) finished product...

Good Harbor Beach: The Most Magical Place on Earth

2009-05-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Marzipan Griffendor came up with the most wonderful idea for us this fine Memorial Day -- we travelled afar to Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, where we enjoyed a fine day of sunbathing.

Here's Marz enjoying a breakfast burrito on the way. (Yumm-y! And the wrap looks ok too!)

We arrive!

My fine beach-mates, Marzipan and Ashley Kulp.

This dude serenaded us with Beatles songs on his guitar for most of the afternoon. As the one-time proprietor of a facebook group called "The Beatles Suck" you can imagine how I felt about that. Strawberry fields of heaven...my ass.

I started to have fonder feelings for the Beatles guy, though, after these douche-wads started murdering Ray LaMontagne songs for our pleasure. One of them even had a tattoo of a bar code. Seriously? Do you think you're original? http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/02/10/121-funny-or-ironic-tattoos/

Mary and I both brought the snack of the gods, Cheezits. Mine, however, were classic-style. Hers were some god awful variation called Cheddar Jack.

This is what I think of Cheddar Jack Cheezits.

Goodbye Gloucester! I love you. I'll see you again soon.

PB Pie and Love

2009-05-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

JAM and I ventured into Hipsterville, USA last weekend for a special time of desserting.

Before:

During:

After:

news

2009-05-07T19:07:00.001-07:00

1. I started my new job! It's pretty sweet, I get free junk food and lots of freedom to gchat, as long as no one's looking. Check out my bitchin' office:

2. Spring has like really really sprung, and I was overjoyed to see a gaggle of my favorite flowers blooming near my apartment. I'm going to sneakily pick some in a day or two when more have emerged. (Sneakily, because they're growing in a neighbor's yard. Haha.)

3. I made this bracelet tonight. God I'm a good metalsmith. This pic is blurry though, just use your imagination. I cannot be bothered to take a better shot.

The Soo Hoo Monopoly

2009-05-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice and impromptu date with Jenna Anderson Mucciarone (SWF, 24, ginger) last night. She took me to the local watering hole of Boston politicians and other big shots, where I totally dominated this piece of machinery:

No I'm kidding, I didn't play it...just gave it the eye from across the room.

Jens got hit on by a spirited young man, who asked her, "Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?" "Enough to break the ice!" ZING! Then he shook her hand (?) and walked away. I believe that when the time is right, they'll meet again, and much impregnation with ensue.

Upon leaving, we walked past the Law Offices of William Soo Hoo, directly next door to Richard Soo Hoo Insurance. Of course, we stopped to laugh about the Soo Hoo monopoly over their corner of Washington Street, and were promptly accosted by a young Chinese boy. We were both nervous that he was one of the Soo Hoos coming to avenge his family (they're obviously Chinese mafia) but actually he just wanted to borrow Jenna's phone. She obliged.

This was all very inconsequential, EXCEPT THAT, while standing there, I saw these two signs hanging in a nearby merchant's window:

Unreal. UNREAL. I make a point of always praising the Lord whenever I stumble upon beauty like this, so let me say loud and clear for all the interwebs to hear (read):

Verily, verily I say unto you, God is good, and his creation tells of his glory.

the single most disturbing thing on the internet

2009-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgWn7zbgxZ4

hahahahahahaha

2009-04-24T13:48:00.001-07:00

Oh my god, Robin Thicke on Oprah today made me laugh so hard. He danced too, but I couldn't capture it.

time to buy a lottery ticket

2009-04-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

I'm having an incredible string of good luck lately. I really need to get my Lesley application in before this wears off. But first, I'm trying my hand at the lotto. If I win big enough, maybe I won't bother going back to school.

Lucky things that have happened to me recently:

1. I got a job today!! I'm a functioning member of society again. I can pay for goods and services! My manicurist is getting a visit asap.

2. I think some kid I know has a crush on me. Pros: good taste in flowers (see photo). Cons: does not respect my wishes to QUIT READING MY BLOG and I feel profoundly embarassed about it.

3. I think I found an apartment! I was really getting scared of my impending homelessness, but now my fears are set to rest.

Yep, I'm back on top. Take that, Universe.

marathon monday

2009-04-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

This was the view from my front door all day today:

Note the port-a-potties and hoards of policemen.

gorgeous.

2009-04-20T07:31:00.001-07:00

The Red Line

2009-04-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had one of the worst T experiences of my life. And that's saying a lot, considering that I've seen a homeless man wet himself recently.

I was on the red line, going through the Kendall stop, when I noticed the distinct and strong smell of smoke. It was kind of weird but I wasn't too worried until we got to Central, when we saw that the entire station was filled with smoke (see picture) and the conductor announced that we all had to get off the train. Still, no one was too upset, until we had been waiting for a few minutes and the doors to the train still hadn't opened. All of a sudden, everyone started coming to the conclusion that we were trapped, and we still didn't know if anything - the train itself, or maybe the station - was on fire. Everyone was yelling at the conductor to open the doors, and all of the babies started screaming, and I thought, honestly, this is how I'm going to die. I'm either going to burn in this train, or get trampled by this crowd.

In the end, the doors did open, we all got out and it was fine. I don't even think anything was on fire, although I'm not sure where the smoke was coming from. We just got on the next train and nothing unusual happened.

Still...I feel like I narrowly escaped death. Who would have taken care of my blog??

Mother Gaia

2009-04-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Check out what I found in the metals studio yesterday:

Seriously?

On Assignment: PA Dutch Country

2009-04-10T16:38:00.001-07:00

Today was my first full day at home for the Holiest of Weekends, and let me tell you: the air is sweet. It smells like love here in the tri-county area. It also smelled like manure this morning when I first stepped outside, but it is that season, so I shouldn't have been surprised.

Here are some pictures from our family trip to the Green Dragon Farmer's Market. Ahhhmazing.

Tomorrow, look for more installments like The Beams Do Some Grilling, and Nana's Retirement Home.